Weird Bird in Love

H died yesterday. I just read the news on my friend J’s blog.

I’m feeling short of words and nebulous in the feelings department. It’s so easy to opt out of someone else’s grief – pick up a book, cruise the Web, turn away. But this isn’t just any someone else. J is my oldest friend. I love her, and it seems important in some hard-to-name way to resist turning away, to share a little of the grief of this time.

When asking people for prayers, I’ve been describing H as my friend, but in thinking about him over the weeks I’ve been realizing how little I knew him. I liked him – he was an immensely likable person, friendly and easygoing. But the main thing I know about him (apart from the motorcycles and the pinball machines) is that he was a good husband for my friend.

The snapshot I would post, if it weren’t slightly too complicated to scan it in and get it onto this computer, is of me and H on his motorcycle. It’s from ten or eleven years ago, one of the times I went out to visit J and H. Here is one thing I can say about H: He was the kind of guy who could talk you into going on a motorcycle ride with him, even if you were terrified of motorcycles – and who would be kind enough not to make you feel like an idiot for being so scared – and who could help you have fun, so you ended up glad you tried it.

We just got home from our first meeting with our new high-risk OB. Our friend E had told us that high-risk OBs are great – they’re unfazed by complications and risks, and make situations seem normal and manageable that would cause an ordinary OB or a midwife to freak out to a greater or lesser degree. Our experience today certainly bore that out. The doctor is terrific, and was very upbeat about our situation. I think we’re feeling much safer and calmer now than we were when we woke up this morning.  (more…)

Conversation over breakfast (blueberry pie! I love my husband), with Zag.

When we aren’t praying to God, God prays for us.

Is he praying to us for anything in particular?

No, he’s just praying for us. And do you know something interesting? God has a lot of shelves. And on the shelves are parts of bodies, in all different colors.

Whose body parts are they?

They are the parts for all the people.

Oh, I see – that’s where God makes the people? And they’re different colors because people are different colors? (more…)

I am just fine, and 29 weeks pregnant.

The twins are born, healthy and hungry. Their mama even sounded pretty sane and happy when I talked with her on Thursday.

J’s husband has made the transition to hospice care.

So many feelings – so much to hold up in prayer.

I promise a nice fluffy post about crafting soon. I’ve been sewing & sewing…

28 weeks and counting, for our bean. 28 weeks is good. Placenta previa is risky for moms and babies. For moms, it’s risky mostly because of the risk of bleeding. Because we know I have it, & are keeping watch & being careful, & because we live close to a good hospital, & because it’s no longer complete previa & I haven’t had any bleeding yet, my risks are pretty low. Most of the risks to previa babies are because of prematurity; if a mother starts bleeding heavily, the doctors may have to deliver the baby in order to get everything under control.

Most babies born at 28 weeks survive. So we’ve gotten that far, & there’s no reason to think we won’t get farther. We can get greedy now & start hoping for not just survival, but health. 32 weeks would be great. 36 weeks would be terrific! … (more…)

This evening, on our way to dessert at a restaurant in the next town to the west, in the middle of an idle conversation about baby names….

Zag: Beach babies aren’t OK. Seaside babies aren’t OK. They keep saying beach babies are OK, but they’re not!

Tilt: Beach babies?

Zag: Yes! Beach babies aren’t OK. They say they are but they’re not.

Tilt: Do you mean “breech?”…

Weirdbird: Who says that, sweetie?

Zag: The baby people say it.

Weirdbird: Do you mean the doctors?

Zag: Yes!

Weirdbird: Why are beach babies not OK?

Zag: Because they have to cut a hole in the mama!

Weirdbird: Do you mean “C-section,” sweetie?…

We reassured Zag that the doctors sew the mamas up again, & after the mamas heal they are just fine. We think he heard some amount of conversation about C-sections – some intended for his ears, some just with him in the room – and also a conversation between Tilt and a friend about her first child being breech, resulting in a C-section – and put together “C-section” and “breech” and ended up with “seaside/beach baby.”

So our ultrasound yesterday resulted in what can perhaps best be described as a shift downward from the High to the Elevated alert level. I no longer have complete placenta previa. But I still have marginal placenta previa – my placenta is still really close to the cervical opening. It’s been hard to find much online about how and how much this changes the risks involved. It seems to lower some of the risks somewhat, but still means taking it easy & keeping a sharp eye out for any bleeding, and still puts us on course for a planned C-section at 36 weeks or so (early October) if all goes well until then. (Incidentally, that’s pretty much become my best-case scenario. At 36 weeks the baby will be in pretty good shape, and I’m really feeling OK – never enthusiastic, but OK – about the C-section option. I suppose there’s still a thousand-to-one chance or so that my placenta will shift enough out of the way to try a natural birth anyway… but I’m not even wasting emotional energy hoping for that anymore.) (more…)

…. and continuing with the so far, so good. Apart from a brief setback today when I tried to go to the local public library and realized that it had just closed, and will not open again until Tuesday. I really needed some books. I’m reading some Ursula Leguin which is dizzyingly good, but I’m almost finished, and then I’ll be stuck scrounging around the house for something I can stand to read.

I really need some library books because reading is one of a very few ways I can downshift myself. I should be taking it somewhat easy – physically in particular, but mentally and emotionally are all kind of tied in too – and I am terrible at that. I’m not a very good relaxer at the best of times; I tend to come up with projects and invent assignments for myself if my slate looks empty. I mostly enjoy said projects and assignments, but I keep myself busy.

And now I’m in this kind of double-bind situation: Relax, take it easy, lighten up, because AT ANY MOMENT you may be put on bedrest for the foreseeable future! … very relaxing, especially when I am pretty much solely responsible for a sizable chunk of programming for all the church stuff that starts up on September 13. I am working on getting things laid out and delegated so that my presence is not essential. But that work is keeping me quite busy. So not so much with the taking it easy.

It’s a hell of a catch, that catch-22…